I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
