My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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