theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
