you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
We left the knife in your bed.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
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