Can i not drive my cunt home
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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