just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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