apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize