Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
