Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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