found the other keg... it's in the tree
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
