Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
two words: eviction party
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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