last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Boobs speak an international language.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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