I wish I could teleport
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
