i was born a porn star she said
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
