Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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