I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
