hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
