I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
are you so shy because you have an std?
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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