i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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