Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
