she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
