woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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