I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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