I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
