chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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