Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
