I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
