Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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