Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
They are going to name an STD after you.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Please don't give away my fajitas
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