I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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