Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
