If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
