My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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