so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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