I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
