You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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