I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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