I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize