i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
