Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
