This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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