I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
