Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
