I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
