I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
