So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
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Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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