on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
