My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
