My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
home. puking in laundry basket.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
