When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
