just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize