i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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