who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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