remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
