Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
