please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
everyone is single if you try hard enough
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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