it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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