my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
