sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I've blown a few things in my day
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Randomize
