Soap is not a condiment
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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