I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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