if you like me you must not know who I am
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize