Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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