just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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